Thursday, 14 January 2010

Laying out my clothes

for the next morning, symetrical and crisp, gives me a genuine sense of well being before bed. I feel a control over the morning knowing that my shoes are together, my products layed out and waiting for me to arrive and make them move.

This week it's Bach, Babra Streisand and Anne Bronte...

Can't wait for tomorrow, it will make everything alright.


Life in repeat

I will always swim against the tide.

School is uni, uni will be work, and work will end in old.
The people change but the parts don't it's like rehearsing a play that willl never open.

And I will run against the grain.

Sometimes, I think I care, that I'm the big round button that doesn't fit the peg board, let alone the square hole. But really, this is a blessing, because I will always be a suprise, and I am proud to be who I am.

When the tide washes out, I'll still be standing on the beach.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

I have a fear...

.. that nothing can match up to things I dream.The feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see films, and hear songs which describe the life I want, I'm scared that I'll never find anything real that will make me feel that way.

Here at uni, life is very empty. Surrounded by people and yet completely alone, but left with my inadequacies and concerns that I'm not who I want to be and that I don't even know who that person is. I worry that I've lived as much as I'm going to, that from here on in life will bring things to do, and time to fill, but no more.

In the small hours of the morning when I sit alone with fairylights and the much sought silence which eludes me here in the zoo that is halls, I'm filled with a sense of nothingness. It's like I'm in a waiting room, waiting for something, anything to come along and tell me it needs me. Because that's the biggest fear of all, that I'll cease to be necessary, that my purpose is non-existent, and that were I to vanish, just melt in to the air, that the world would not be changed by my passing through. I'm a ghost train, runaway in an endless desert.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

A is for Austen, Albeniz and Aerosmith

This year I've decided I want to know more about the woorld so have commenced project"know everything". An alphabetical breakdown of the year will let me explore an author, classical composer and contemporary artist every week. I just figured with so much time on my hands I might as well better myself!
SO I begin with
Austen's 'Persuasion'
Isaac Albeniz
and a healthy dose of encyclopedia knowledge,

to 2010, and an all new Beth