I cannot remember the last time I went a day without wilfully concealing something or misleading someone. Whether this arises from a need to protect myself, to shield others or simply to make life easier, it is something that never ends. While I am far from a pathological liar, I hate that I accept dishonesty as a convenience on a daily basis.
As the first untruth that passes your lips more must follow, to conceal the first foray in to the realm of the not quite true. And by the naively experienced age of 19, you are surrounded by people and circumstances who only know as much of you as you dared to show them at first, and now believe in somebody who doesn't really exist.
From here on out, I want a detox. If I can change my body by controlling my exertion and diet, why can't I take down my façade by controlling what leaves my mouth. I feel false, and I want to be clean again. I know that removing the trace of all lies is impossible, people who have departed will forever believe the stories I spun them years ago. Doubtless I will lie again. But from this moment onward, I am vowing to myself that I will practice truth with my words to the best of my incredibly flawed ability.
Starting here, a few truths, unexpressed or previously twisted, for some clarity at bed time.
1. I am constantly afraid that the fragile balance I have found between home and university will be ended by a disaster at either end.
2. I hate Ricky Gervais. He is an idiot, whether or not I have ever watched The Office.
3. Last week I skipped work to sit alone in the living room eating crackers, my granddad is ill, but I wasn't with him.
4. That I very occasionally look at a facebook profile picture for a couple of minutes and appreciate very good looks whilst contemplating the poor timing of the summer holiday.
5. I exaggerate anecdotes in an attempt to impress teachers.
6. I never read A.J Ayer fro my IB coursework, thanks for the A though!
7. You were number 2 in male influence, but I thought you might be hurt given how bummed you seemed the day before.
8. I am obsessed with certain television shows and cyber stalk my favourite actresses until I move on.
9. I have never been in love, despite having told past boys otherwise.
10. I always hope that the people who occasionally filter in to my blog will read it, then am simultaneously terrified when they do, and relieved when they fail to recognize that they appear more than once.