Tuesday, 12 January 2010

I have a fear...

.. that nothing can match up to things I dream.The feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see films, and hear songs which describe the life I want, I'm scared that I'll never find anything real that will make me feel that way.

Here at uni, life is very empty. Surrounded by people and yet completely alone, but left with my inadequacies and concerns that I'm not who I want to be and that I don't even know who that person is. I worry that I've lived as much as I'm going to, that from here on in life will bring things to do, and time to fill, but no more.

In the small hours of the morning when I sit alone with fairylights and the much sought silence which eludes me here in the zoo that is halls, I'm filled with a sense of nothingness. It's like I'm in a waiting room, waiting for something, anything to come along and tell me it needs me. Because that's the biggest fear of all, that I'll cease to be necessary, that my purpose is non-existent, and that were I to vanish, just melt in to the air, that the world would not be changed by my passing through. I'm a ghost train, runaway in an endless desert.

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