Sunday, 3 October 2010

Male Influence

Living in what is essentially a sorority, it is increasingly easy to gauge the effect which various male cast members have on my life.

Today, there were three players who influenced the passage of the day, and their after-effect is something I need to learn to apply to the next day, for self preservation.

Number One is someone who a month ago I would have disposed of, obnoxious, cocky and generally not my cup of tea, a mellowing process has rendered him someone I enjoy having around. Not impacting on my mood, but allowing the upward curve of the morning.

Number 2 is an enigma. No, that's too generous. Number two doesn't really care. By no means unpleasant, just disinterested. This is the one I waited to meet, only to feel disappointment at the man standing in front of me. And while I expect nothing, and feel animosity towards any future dealings with him, a little part of me keeps reaching out, and I need to use my head to beat it back.

Number 3 never changes. He is a constant, and where the others demand nothing, he demands everything. While I would give it all for his happiness, I need to serve my own for the time being. And the separateness which is hurting him, and hurting me, is allowing me to grow. This is the most bitter-sweet, and the most important of all.

Because I have realised, that no one can make you truly happy, if the absence of that same action would not break your heart.

"When you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering. That's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly"

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